Bad Day

Do you ever have those days where you feel like nothing you do is right? Not only do you just feel down for no reason, but you feel like you've hurt the feelings of everyone close to you because of your own insecurities. You wish you could just stop being insecure because you know it's afecting the people around you, but that just makes you more insecure, because you want those people to think your perfect even though they will love you for who you are in spite of all your faults. It's almost like you want to earn their love even though you know you don't have to, but still you do know that because you love them you want to be good for them and eventually that carries over into wanting to earn their love through the works that you do.

Just typing this all out right now makes me realize a few things about our relationship with God. First of all, we can never be perfect. That's why Jesus died. Second, we can't fool God into looking past our insecurities and our mistakes because of good things we do. Third, we don't have to do good things to make God love us or even like us. As Christians we know that we are only saved through Jesus' sacrifice on earth and the grace that God has to have sent Him. (It's weird using tenses when you're talking about God who is and was and is to come and what Jesus did a long time ago.) There are still people who think that being good will get them into Heaven and we as Christians think, "Oh, that's silly! All you have to do is believe in Jesus." Still often times we don't believe what we ourselves are saying! We still think that even though Jesus died for us, we still need to be perfect to get to Heaven. Now, I'm not saying we shouldn't be good. If we love God we will strive to be more like Jesus and good works should automatically flow out of us. But they should always be because of a love for God. Sometimes we even do good works because it's what we have to do because "the Bible says so." Yes that's true, but doesn't God say He cares more about what's in the heart? If we're doing good works just because we believe a certain thing and not out of love then our good work isn't a "good" work anymore. It's just a work.

There's one more lesson I got out of my first paragraph, which is one that I learn continuously, but always seem to forget. God provides security and anything that is not based on Him is very unsteady. My marriage is secure because Joe and I based it on God. My family is secure because those relationships are based on God. Things that I don't base on God, job interviews, financial decisions, etc., always leave me feeling insecure and unsatisfied. If I don't give my day to God in the morning, I usually turn it into a disaster by lunch time. God is the root of all security.

So just to recap. God is the basis for all secure things and He loves us without us having to earn His love. These are very good things to know.

PS It's Halloween and I have huge fake nails on because I'm a kitty cat, so if there are any mistakes in today's entry I'm blAMing it on the nails
! Oops. =)

Creativity

Being creative is really hard. My husband is great at it. He is a video editor and when he works on a video creativity just seems to pour out of him. He is very talented.

For me, on the other hand, being creative can be very difficult. Writing in this blog is just one example. I'm a singer and would love to be able to write some of my own songs, but inspirations for those only come in short spurts. Sometimes I think that my brain just gets in the way. I like looking at things very logically, and not in the practical way, but in the almost bordering on OCD way. I mean I'm great at puzzles and problem solving, but when I start seeing poetry or lyrics or melody lines as problems that need to be solved creativity evades me and the product of the logic isn't nearly as good as I know it could be. (It also doesn't help that I care too much about what people think about me so if something I do isn't perfect I get disappointed in myself.)

Now, in spite of all this I've noticed that a lot of times practice can make perfect, if not at being creative then at least what you're trying to accomplish with the creativity. Part of my hope in writing in this blog is that my creative juices will be flowing more then they have been in the past and that will help me when I work on writing songs.

What I've also noticed is that faith can be like creativity in that it seems hard at first and my brain gets in the way when I think about what God is doing in my life. I mean it doesn't make sense that He would bless me when I do so many horrible things and I can seem like a mess a lot of times. Logically, every time I do something wrong I should be punished. But even though I do have to face some consequences for my actions, God always doesn't let me fall as far as I should for my sins. AND He still gives me awesome blessings even though logically I do deserve them. And faith comes when I can get past the logic of all of that and understand that God is beyond logic and understanding.

Often times creativity comes in my greater moments of faith.

So I will keep writing even when I don't feel creative and I will keep trusting in and praying to God even when I don't feel close to Him or my faith seems nonexistent.

(By the way I said the word creative (or some variation on it) 11 times in this entry.) =)

Rain

For me, I often times feel the closest to God when I'm staring out into the rain falling on the trees and ground. There's something so peaceful about the falling drops coming down and watering the earth. I'm reminded of the verse, "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (Matthew 5:45b NASB) God is always raining down (no pun intended) blessings on this earth to everyone, Christian and non-Christian. It reminds me that every good thing comes from God, whether or not you believe in Him.

Rain is also a comfort for me and makes me think of family and togetherness. When I was younger I lived in Florida and when the rainy season came around my family and I used to sit on our balcony and watch the rain pound onto the sidewalk below us. When I got older, I was on a missions trip in New Zealand and much of my quiet time with God was spent staring out onto an open field watching the rain pour down. I was miles away from my earthly family, but I was still spending time with my Heavenly Father. Now I have my husband to enjoy rainy days with.

This whole entry has been very ironic because right now my husband and I are living right in the middle of the Georgia drought and the whole state needs rain so badly. This is one of the few days that we've had in which there are little droplets of mist falling from the sky. I guess we'll take what we can get.

Excited?

Have you ever bought a brand new toy or piece of equipment and gotten really excited about it for about a week and then just abandoned it in your closet only to pull it out on special occasions for your friends because it's still cool you just lost excitement for it? I'm afraid that this whole scenario might happen with this blog. Right now I'm so excited about this blog because it is so brand new to me to have a place where I can publicly post my thoughts and opinions, but in a week I might forget all about it until a month later I'll remember about it or get the urge to write and need to spill something completely arbitrary onto this website that only I'll get so I'll end up being the only person who reads this blog. See I'm so excited about this whole thing it's all I can write about so far. Let's change that right now.

I'll start the change with something simple. Something not too deep, but not shallow enough to be boring. My favorite Bible verse is Luke 12:32. "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom." (NASB)


As a girl I like the idea of God thinking of all of his children as little sheep because it's cute and I like that even though we get stressed out and we sin and we think bad stuff happens to us all the time and we feel like God is always testing us, God actually wants us to have everything in His kingdom (aka Heaven). It's sometimes easy to think (at least for me) that God's mad a lot of times because we mess up so much, so we have to tip-toe around making sure not to do anything bad, but the way salvation actually works is not only that Jesus died for our sins so we don't have to go to hell, but God wants us to have everything. By everything I'm not talking about silly material things on this earth, but He wants to give us Heaven, and eternal life, and beauty beyond anything we can imagine. I think that will be pretty awesome.

Brand New

I've never had a blog before. My husband has one and his is very good. I guess that's what struck up my interest in creating this blog. Part of the reason I've never had a blog is I don't consider myself a writer and I figured if I'm not a writer then I shouldn't post things online that other people can read to save myself embarrassment. I'm even embarrassed about that last sentence. I think it's too long. Also, if there actually is anyone reading this blog, you'll will eventually find out that I am a horrible speller, my grammar is atrocious, and a lot of my writing might even be... boring (if it is please do not comment on my blog that it is, for the sake of my pride; besides it took a lot of my guts just to finally make one of these and you wouldn't want to be the person that hurt my feelings and make me never want to write again, would you?).

Now that I've confessed that I don't consider myself a writer I will also confess that I love to write. I've had journals and diaries since I was young and when I got to college I started spending all of my devotional time journaling my prayers to God. What convinced me to finally start a public journal (aka my blog) was when I was spending some quiet time with God on my balcony reading through some old notes of mine that I had taken at a music and worship leaders' conference. I started having some thoughts on some of my notes (which were of course recorded in a journal) and wished that I had someway I could write down my thoughts and ideas without adding to the pile of journals I already have next to my bedside. My husbands blog came to mind and I thought it would be a good way of expressing my thoughts about my notes and if someone so happened to stumble upon my blog online and decided to comment on something, all the better.

I've never been good at ending things that I write, especially essays for school. I know the conclusion should be the easiest part of the whole essay because you're just bringing together everything that you've already said, but I'm just not good at it. It's easier in my prayer journals because all I have to say is Amen and it's done. But how do you end a blog? See I'm still writing because I can't end this one. Well I'm ending it now. This will be the last word. Really.